OK, so I grew up in Philly, traveled all across America, spent the last 10 years in New York and I need to know one thing…WTF is it with these Florida bugs??? They fly right into your face. Gaaaaaaaah. I mean they fly at you everywhere, but they always swerve at the last minute. Not these bastards! These bugs fly right into your face and start hitting.
And the selection. What in the wide world of sports is this shit about? They have bugs here that belong in Jurassic Park! There was a roach on the wall outside last night. I figure, before he comes in, let me kill him. So I swatted him with my hat. Hit him hard too. Little bastard caught my hat, pulled it out of my hand and threw it on the floor. Then he called me a Puta and told me to get moving. If that wasn’t bad enough, he made a pass at my wife as we ran away. “Hey Mamita…dun run bebe.”
Then I see a spider web with one of these in it. One of THESE!!! What level of hell did this crawl out of? I was pretty sure that even though it was small, just one spec of venom could bring down an elephant. Thankfully, I looked it up and it’s not poisonous. I still don’t want it near me. I think it might be in cahoots with the roach.
And don’t get me started on lizards. I have lizards out the wazoo here. Toads, skinks, geckos, iguanas…you name it, we got it. I have toads that can pull my car if need be. And that little orange-throated terror above is a Cuban species. When you get to a certain point he flashes the throat thing. Then he starts bobbing his head at you. Like “What’s up puta? You gonna do anything? No? Keep moving!”
I’m not used to this shit. Really. The wildlife is crazy here. The birds fly straight towards your face, the bugs fly into your face and the reptile just…well, they just are. I’m going to buy a stun gun next week. See if I can sneak up on that roach. I hope to hell it puts him down…